Good morning, gentlemen of CBS. As chairman of Augusta National Golf Club, I've found it beneficial to hold a pretournament get-together to cover the many dos and don'ts we insist on in your coverage of the Masters. Before we get down to specifics, I'd like to remind you to think of the National as not merely a golf course but as a cathedral, so when you're on the air, you will speak in hushed, reverential tones.
Also, I am always to be called Mr. Johnson, just as Cliff was always Mr. Roberts. There have been times when some of you older fellows have called me Hootie. That's permissible when we're having a drink at 21, but here, and especially during Masters week, formality is required.
Now to some nitty-gritty. You over there, the man who's yawning. Mr. Hegarty, I believe?
Whatever. You got a little frisky last year. I realize you're an Irishman and that Irishmen are known for their wit, but be forewarned: There is no room for wit at Augusta National. Surely you know what happened to one of your colleagues, the one with that ridiculous mustache, when he attempted what he thought was humor. So don't try being clever around here.
Now I understand you have a new man on your team, a Mr. Enberg, who will be stationed in Butler Cabin all week. Is that you over there, Mr. Enberg?
Very good. Mr. Enberg, I know you consider yourself a genius with words, but we must insist you have your extemporaneous remarks written by noon every day so we'll have sufficient time to edit them.