ANSWER: PRAISE the Lord and pass the ammunition. (Question: What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?) A: Kumquat. (Q: What do you say when calling your quat?)
During Johnny Carson's 30-year reign as host of The Tonight Show on NBC, viewers were treated to these and other prophecies presented in this manner, the insights of a mysterious visitor from the East—seer, sage, soothsayer: Carnac the Magnificent. "Touchback," Carnac would divine, before opening an envelope to reveal the question: "What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader touches you?" Alas, Carnac rarely used his mystifying powers to solve the riddles of sport. Until now. So I hold in my hand 18 envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, they've been hermetically sealed and kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls's porch since noon today. No one—no one!—knows the contents of these envelopes. But Carnac, in his divine and borderline mystical way, will ascertain the answers to the questions without ever before having seen them.
Carnac: I must have absolute silence....
Answer: Rusty Wallace.
Question: What do you get if you don't oil your Wallace?
Q: What be on Marv Albert's head?
A: Pete Rose and Norman Fell.
Q: What happened when Pete and Norman got on a seesaw?
A: Ernie Banks.