Gentlemen, It's Gut-check Time

I finally found the one thing that will bring me peace, happiness and deep satisfaction.

Rock-hard abs.

I know this because all men's fitness magazines scream it at me from their covers. They beg me to be gutless.

The cover of Men's Workout: GET RIPPED! KILLER ABS. Muscle & Fitness: FREE GIANT GUIDE TO ROCK-HARD ABS. Muscle-Mag International even put out an entire issue on abs. That's 210 pages, all abs, all the time!

There's always a 22-year-old Swede on the cover with abs you could cut slate on. To get abs like that, these guys must do crunches 16 hours a day, including at stoplights. They must do sets of crunches between sets of crunches. Many will expire in the butterfly crunch position.

Priest: And so we return thee, Lars, to ashes—

Altar boy: Hold on, Father, we can't get the lid closed.

Abdominal showman Frank Zane said he did 1,000 sit-ups a day to get his ripplers. The abnormal model in Men's Workout, Leonardo Pacheco, says he eats no oils, no salts and no sugars. In fact he even eats baby food. "It's got no salt, is bland and pure," Pacheco says. "Try it!" And why not top if off with a refreshing glass of ipecac syrup!

Still, the magazines all said I could have the same abs. This was surprising to me, because I hadn't even seen my abs since my first-grade Minnows swimming class. Actually, none of my friends have twisted-steel, rock-hard abs, either—except for the lifeguard at our pool with the pierced nipples, and I know he's sucking his gut in, because he hasn't exhaled for 12 minutes.

Why do we relish washboard, twisted-steel, rock-hard abs, anyway? In many developing countries rock-hard abs translates into haven't eaten in two weeks. You think the folks in East Pangladoon are proud of their rock-hard abs? Hell, no! What's on the cover of their magazines is a fat guy in Peoria plowing through Chee-tos and a case of Mountain Dew. LOSE YOUR ROCK-HARD ABS IN 72 HOURS!