Just what does comedian Dennis Miller, hired by ABC for the Monday Night Football booth, know about sports? Plenty, judging by how liberally he sprinkles his famous rants with sports references. A few samples from Dennis Miller Live, his show on HBO.
The myth of what men want: "...Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic...."
Affirmative action: "This subject is tougher to sort through than Marv Albert's laundry."
That the Y2K bug could destroy civilization: "It's like saying basketball's going to lose its fan base 'cause one guy retires. O.K., bad example."
The judge in Lewis-Holyfield I: "She couldn't have been more bought if she had a bar code stamped on her forehead."
Pro wrestling: "How phony can it be if Don King isn't making any money off it?"
Dennis Rodman and his piercings: "You're on the verge of becoming the world's most pass� wind chime."
Fan behavior: "Even the most accepting of us has, at one time or another, dreamed of establishing a far-reaching eugenics program that would require mandatory sterilization for anyone who...screams 'You da man' at golf tournaments."
Brandi Chastain's goal celebration against China: "If that had been me out there, I would've de-pantsed myself and shouted, Take that, you spying Commie bastards!' while bending over to flash my naked, hairy, pivotal-goal-of-the-game-scorin' ass at their bench."
The golden era of sports: "A whole nation of unshaven men sitting in their tattered undies on plaid couches, expanding like doughnuts on a jelly injector, watching a bunch of a———- play games. But the a———- who play the games couldn't get enough from the a———- who own the teams, and so the rest of us have been forced to confront the fact that we were the biggest a———- of all for being so fascinated by it."