Jesse Ventura, the wrestler turned governor of Minnesota, recently sold the musical rights to his life story to Broadway producer Pierre Cossette (The Will Rogers Follies), who plans to create an extravaganza called The Body Ventura. But Ventura's not the only athlete whose life will soon be set to show tunes, for we've just completed the closing numbers to four new Broadway musicals. (All songs are roughly to the tune of Be Our Guest, from Beauty and the Beast.)
David Wells/Never swells/From inhaling Taco Bell's
Beef burritos/Like they're Chee-tos/No, he still fits into Speedos:
Boomer's lean/As a teen/In a fashion magazine
He's so skinny and anemic/The man's practically bulimic.
Pitches great/Pulls his weight/Always has the Diet Plate But the press is full of cynics/Refugees from rehab clinics
Who print lies/In SI/That he Supersized his thighs....
David Wells! David Wells!
David Wells! (slower, with leg kicks)
He's Cy Young/Egg Foo Yung/It shall never touch his tongue
You won't find him loudly cracking lobster shells-
He won't join Sammy Sosa/In line at Ponderosa
David Wells! David Wells! Daaavid Welllls! (curtain)
Yikes!/Iron Mike's/Feeling ravenous toward tykes All those years/He ate ears/But the boxer's switching gears
He finds toddler/Apple cobbler/To be easy on the gobbler
(Call the media salacious/But he's pedia-voracious).
The appeals/It's like veal/Or maybe baby seal ( Snickers satisfies your hunger/But Iron Mike wants something younger)
Told the Scots:/"Serve me tots!/Not old men with liver spots"...
Just like that/Turned young brats/Into br�ts! (slower, with leg kicks)
Wife's a doctor/Never socked her/But his ex-wife said he clocked her-
Robin Givens/Has forgiven/Him posthaste
Still she'd like to ask one question/About acid indigestion...
Does a child/Leave a mild/Aftertaaaste? (curtain)
They win Slams!/They got gams!/They're two tennis Mia Hamms! With a daddy/Who's as batty/As a cave in Cincinnati
They're both dames/Got their games/And their planetary names From a father who's a nutter/(He's like chunky peanut butter)
Young Serena's/Strong as Xena/With a forehand like Martina (She'll bear witness to Jehovah/After thrashing Kournikova)
Her big sister's/Never dissed her/But at Wimbledon dismissed herrr....
Was it fixed?/No, these chicks/Don't do that. (slower, with leg kicks)
Give mad props/To mad Pops/Yes, his daughters are the tops!
Once unseeded/Now unbeaded/They contest.
So Venus and Serena/Let nothin' come between ya—
Your old man/Has a plan/He's the bessst! (curtain)
Mike Piazza/Had seen lotsa/Fastballs floating like a matzo
And he'd smite 'em!/Overnight 'em!/He and dingers were an item
Love affairs/With au pairs/And exquisite facial hairs!
His life was apple strudel/'Til the Rocket drilled his noodle
Now it's "Wait:/Crowd the plate?/Think I'd rather save my pate!
(Keep my front foot in the bucket/Catch at Triple A Pawtucket)
Still I'm brash/I've got cash/And a Charlie Chan mustache....
I'll tell Clemens/To suck lemons/In the pressss." (slower, with leg kicks)
Creatine/Androstene/Won't put muscles on your bean
Kids, you're better served by reading books instead:
Dr. Seuss, Marcel Proust/By now I will have deduuuced...J.K. Rowling/Beats a Rawlings/To the head! (curtain)