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Rack Off, Seppos! (Yankees, Go Home!)
Rick Reilly
September 11, 2000
Ozspeak
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September 11, 2000

Rack Off, Seppos! (yankees, Go Home!)

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Apparently, many of you foreigners who aren't familiar with the Australian dialect will be arriving in Sydney for the Olympic Games, slathering your food in ketchup and never buying a round of beers at the pub. Well, pardon me if I don't stand up and cheer.

Here's the news: These darn Games have been somewhat controversial. Lots of complaining and arguing since we got them. Not to overreact, but I hope the whole fraudulent mess goes down the toilet.

First, the media squealed on Olympic officials and politicians over a ticket scam. Apparently, those lazy good-for-nothings were selling the best of the tickets to VIPs and leaving the rest for ordinary citizens. Said officials were severely criticized. Still, 1.25 million tickets remain unsold. That's a lot of money!

Then there's Bondi Beach, which is a fine place to see attractive, nude sunbathers and enjoy sips of canned beer. The officials built an unattractive volleyball stadium there, even though shell fragments might cut athletes' feet. Which knuckle-head is in charge?

Then there was the spate of sharks attacking boaters and swimmers, the man from north Queensland whose head was found in the stomach of a giant grouper (That's not a myth! It's the truth!), the trains that keep derailing and the malfunctioning airport baggage system, which is of little use.

The athletes' village is not only next to a prison, but it's also parsimoniously appointed—no sofas, just plastic furniture. The media center is a converted cattle pavilion and will not be painted. And not to speak too long, but wear warm clothes. It can be colder than a deceased Tasmanian man's private parts in midwinter. We've had fierce winds lately, which ought to be fun for the javelin competitors, yes? Excuse me, friend, is that my javelin protruding from your behind?

Good for you for coming, but, honestly, this mess of an Olympics doesn't have good prospects for succeeding. After the Games have failed, we know the officials will leave quickly, and we'll be left with only the bills.

We were told these Olympics would be wonderful. Hardly. If it's raining palaces, we just got hit by the outhouse door.

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