The Olympics aren't the only games on TV this month. No, every network is counterprogramming with blockbuster sports specials of their own, including:
Kids Say the Darndest Things ( CBS): Adorable slackers say whatever comes to mind, to the delight of avuncular host Bob Knight.
Monday Night Football (ABC): Consummating his crush on the "geniuses" and "warriors" who populate pro football, Dennis Miller marries Broncos coach Mike Shanahan in a halftime civil ceremony. (Partial Nudity.)
Webitched ( Nick at Nite): From the makers of Bewitched, each week two different sportswriters meet to complain about their jobs.
Crystal, Clear! ( HBO): In his 43rd consecutive hour of fondly recalling Mickey Man-tie, Billy Crystal passes out in front of documentary filmmakers—but is revived with defibrillation paddles by poet Donald Hall.
The Donnybrook on the Power-book (ABC): Buoyed by the ratings of The Battle at Bighorn, ABC airs live prime-time coverage of Tiger Woods playing laptop solitaire.
You Can't Say That on Television (Game Show Network): With the arch of an eyebrow, contestants turn innocent phrases from the world of sports—"pulling the goalie," "toeing the rubber," "playing laptop solitaire"—into vaguely salacious double entendres.
The World Is Not Enough (Cinemax): Timberwolves forward Kevin Garnett asks to renegotiate his contract.
JAG ( USA): Stung by management's refusal to monogram his jockstraps, Tigers slugger Juan Alberto Gonzalez feels unloved and disrespected.
The Draw Caray Show (ABC): Cubs announcer Chip Caray and his dad, Braves announcer Skip Caray, who constantly refer to their teams as "we," are drawn and quartered by exasperated cable subscribers.