HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
Name: Barry Bonds
Weight: 210 pounds
Career postseason stats: .196 (19 for; 97), 1 HR, 6 RBIs
My name is Barry. I also respond to "MVP" and "future Hall of Famer." I have dark brown hair, and I like funny jewelry. Me and my bat were supposed to be with my baseball team last week, but we disappeared without an explanation. We were last seen in Pac Bell Park in September, causing trouble for opposing pitchers and men with cameras. (Note to grown-ups: I have vanished in past autumns as well, so look for me in the spring.) If you know anything about my whereabouts, please call Dusty Baker at 1-800-WHATHAPPENED.