SI Vault
Major League Torture
Rick Reilly
October 16, 2000
For reasons that scientists don't fully understand, there are still a few humans in this country who watch baseball games on television from start to finish, without the use of restraints, amphetamines or toothpicks. Personally, for pure excitement, I rank watching baseball on TV just below fungus sculpture and the new 12-part PBS documentary on gout. "That's because you haven't watched playoff baseball," the seamheads say. "You gotta watch a playoff game"
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October 16, 2000

Major League Torture

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Close-ups of Torre adjusting his hat: 2.

Close-ups of Torre staring at the ground, muttering to coach Don Zimmer, staring at his coffee cup, sipping from a water bottle or—can you stand the tension!—talking on the dugout phone: 26.

Close-ups of others adjusting their hats or helmets: 64.

Close-ups of others adjusting their groins: Slightly more than your average four-hour Limp Bizkit concert.

Close-ups of others spitting, including umpires: 53.

Close-ups of Yankees bench warmer Jose Canseco, who doesn't actually play the game anymore: 7

Close-ups of Yankees second baseman Chuck Knoblauch, who wasn't in the game either, digging in his ear in the manner of a flophouse beagle: 1.

Activity I wished I were doing instead of watching baseball on TV: Milking sick yaks in Tibet.

Total replays: 83.

Replays of batters swinging and missing: 9.

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