Major League Torture

Time of average playoff game this year: 3:28.

Number of kids I've heard of, 18 and under, who watch baseball on TV: 1.

Percentage of boys who'd rather the coolest kid in school see them with their mom in JCPenney's lingerie section than watch baseball on TV: 99.

Number of generations baseball is losing by playing games too slow too late at night: at least one, going on two.

Time of this A's-Yankees game: 3 hours, 15 minutes.

Time the baseball was actually in play, including pitches, batted balls, foul balls, pickoff attempts, relays, throws to bases and anything else even Bob Costas might consider actual sporting activity (and I was being generous with the stopwatch): 12 minutes, 22 seconds.

Percentage of time that the ball wasn't in play: 94.

Percentage of time my cerebrum wasn't in play: 94.

Number of baseball players crushed by unexpected fiery chunk of Planet Zorbig hurtling to earth: Not nearly enough.

Times I plan on watching baseball on TV ever again: 0.