Time for the annual Chuckie Awards, named for skilled bar patron Charles Barkley, who pitched an annoying fan through a plate-glass window without spilling a drop of his own grog. The Chuckies are given to the persons or groups in sports who most deserve to be chucked through a window, preferably from the second floor or above, onto a street full of dyspeptic porcupines.
And the 2000 winners are....
Arnold Palmer, who, after appearing in ads for years in support of the USGA and its rules, encouraged his Army to cheat like Mafia accountants. At a press conference to endorse Callaway's illegal ERC II driver, Palmer suggested that weekend golfers shouldn't be restricted by the USGA's rules. It was like Jenny Craig announcing, "Ahh, screw it! Triple fudge cake for everybody!" (Hey, Arnie, don't consider your trip through the window an insult. Consider it a free drop.)
Thirteen-handicap golfer Luis Somoza, the CEO of a Spanish transportation company, who physically threatened Sergio Garc�a for giving him a bad yardage estimate at the Volvo Masters pro-am in Jerez, Spain. On the 9th hole, a par 5, Somoza says he asked Garcia how far it was to the flag. Garc�a guessed 150 meters. Somoza's shot came up well short of the green, at which point he went after Garcia, wagging his finger in Garcia's face. Garcia left the course immediately, before the two came to blows. (Hey, Se�or Somoza, how many meters you figure it is from here to the window?)
The NBA, whose in-house magazine, Hoop, admitted air-brushing out Allen Iverson's diamond earrings, neck tattoo and necklace before using his picture on its cover. But why stop at tattoos? Let's straighten his hair! Hell, let's just make him white! Next month in Hoop, NBA three-point leader Tom Cruise!
Sixers guard Iverson, who defended the hate-filled lyrics in 40 Bars, his gangsta rap single, by saying, "If your kid goes out and blows somebody's head off because Allen Iverson has said he was going to blow somebody's head off on wax, then you're doing a bad job as a parent." So, just to recap, a man whose motto is Keep it real, uses his basketball fame to sell a lie to the kids who believe in every move he makes. (Hey, Al, we like the outside fine. It's the inside you need to work on.)
Fan Andrew Teller of Bellflower, Calif., who ran onto the field at Dodger Stadium and mooned controversial Braves closer John Rocker. "Everyone should be allowed to speak his mind," Teller said, "and that's what I did." (That's where we figured you kept it, Andrew.)
FIFA, the governing body of soccer, which fined the Zimbabwe national soccer association $2,840 over the deaths of 13 fans in a stampede during a World Cup qualifier in July—or $218.46 per corpse.
CBS, which, at 6:40 p.m. EDT on May 14, abandoned a three-way playoff in the Byron Nelson Classic involving Davis Love III, Phil Mickelson and Jesper Parnevik. Only West Coast viewers saw Parnevik win on the third playoff hole—at 6:58 EDT. CBS said it had to cut away for the start of its hit newsmagazine, 59 Minutes.
South Philadelphia soccer parents and their relatives, whose brawl at a game for 11- to 13-year-olds was broken up only after eight cop cars and an ambulance had arrived. The wife of one coach's brother and the fianc�e of one of the referees went at it, one throwing coffee in the face of the other. (It's unclear whether the parents made a human tunnel for the kids afterward.)