? John Madden, Fox How can you not include America's most popular sportscaster in this poll? How about a documentary with the big fella nude in his bus traveling across America? Imagine the tattoos you never thought you'd see! Photo viewing bonus: 3-D glasses!
? Dennis Miller, ABC I don't want to get off on a rant here, but if Monday Night Football's Stark can be put through this, why not Miller? Hey, babe, what say we pose you at the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates clad in only a beaver pelt and eye black, reading passages from Semi-Tough in a John Facenda baritone? Women will be on you like the 90%-off pashmina rack at Bloomie's!
? Jerry Glanville, CBS People are criticizing Glanville's CBS colleague Jill Arrington for wearing tank tops on air, but nobody jumps on Glanville's Hell's Angels getup. Picture it: the coach who moonlights as a race driver decked out in leather boots and dog collar on the back of a Harley—a mini-Rodman.
? Dan Hicks, NBC If Storm can be dragged into a babe-off, why can't her husband get hauled into a hunk-off? "I'd vote for him," says Storm, who's third in the Playboy poll despite being eight months pregnant and slightly larger than a Wendy's. "I get to see him naked all the time."
Hey, fellas, don't think of this poll as demeaning and condescending. Think of it as a whole new kind of exposure!
Fans, vote now and get a bonus centerfold of Mike Ditka posing butt-naked with his cigar.
(God, I hope that's a cigar.)