I'm sorry. I realize I've been wrong in the past for criticizing Michael Jordan. I'm a very stupid person.
I now agree with every other man, woman and columnist in America, all of whom believe that whatever Michael does, he does better than anybody else in the world. You won't hear another negative word out of my mouth about Mike.
Therefore, in my report on the 7-31 Washington Wizards, the NBA team Jordan has partly owned and operated for a year, I'll make only positive and supportive statements. For instance....
Wear and tear on the nets at MCI Center is way down.
Parking is ungodly good.
Yes, the Wizards have played like arthritic moose, but because Jordan still lives in Chicago, he's only had to see them play live eight times this season.
If they can keep from winning two more games, thereby eclipsing the 9-73 Philadelphia 76ers of 1972-73 for the NBA's worst record, the Wizards' names will be written in history.
Jordan's trade for forward Tyrone Nesby was sheer genius.
True, when he took the job Jordan said he'd come to the games and practice often with the Wizards, who he said would be ".500 at worst" this season and "in the playoffs." None of these things have happened, but with Daniel Snyder in town, Michael is still not the worst owner in Washington.
And, true, Jordan said he wanted to be in his players' faces this season to see if they had the fire in their eyes, but he does have a satellite dish and very good reception.