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Baseball's Bounty
Steve Rushin
March 26, 2001
With Opening Day near, we savor the delights, simple and strange, that spice up the national pastime
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March 26, 2001

Baseball's Bounty

With Opening Day near, we savor the delights, simple and strange, that spice up the national pastime

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10. The chewing gum itself, which is evidently pressed from the same cardboard used for the cards.

11. Jon Miller, who 10 years ago, when he was broadcasting Orioles games, lamented that Queen Elizabeth—on the day she visited Memorial Stadium—would not stop by the booth to read the Esskay Meats out-of-town scoreboard.

12. Don Zimmer, who doesn't have a plate in his head, though everybody thinks he does, and he never seems to correct them, possibly on account of the plate in his head.

13. Caps, which in baseball are worn on heads, as opposed to football (in which they're placed on salaries) or basketball (in which they're busted in fannies).

14. Whitey Herzog, who, when he was the Cardinals' manager, once conducted an interview at his desk with SI's Jack McCallum, who couldn't help but notice that Herzog was fully dressed from the waist up and naked from the waist down.

15. Again Herzog, who, throughout that same interview, was pantslessly eating a hoagie.

16. Cheddarwurst—a sausage injected with Cheez—a staple of tailgating at Brewers games, and a wondrous creation, sent by God to torment vegans.

17. Former Angels and Rangers skipper Doug Rader, who, in a memorable postgame clubhouse conniption, violently heaved his uniform pants, which landed squarely on the head of a sportswriter.

18. The sportswriter, who continued to take notes and nod gravely with another man's pants draped on his noggin, fearing that any attempt to remove the unlaundered trousers would further enrage Rader.

19. The simple knowledge that you can step into any baseball clubhouse and find yourself suddenly caught in a hail of pantsfire.

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