Twenty-Nine Reasons That Baseball—Despite Craven Owners, Venal Players, Veterans Stadium, the Designated Hitter, Five-Hour Games and the Devil Rays—Is, and Always Will Be, the Greatest Sport in the History of the World:
1. Those ice-cream sundaes, served in inverted miniature batting helmets.
2. The mystical lure of baseball memorabilia, which compels us to crave ice-cream sundaes served in actual game-worn batting helmets.
3. Listening to Vin Scully.
4. Not listening to Steve Carlton.
5. Flipping the Spread: the time-honored tradition of overturning, in a motivational tirade, the postgame clubhouse buffet table.
6. The post-game clubhouse buffet table, from which an athlete making $16 million a year typically eats—off a paper plate, using only a spork—a three-course dinner of fried chicken, mayonnaise and Zagnut bars.
7. Aurelio Rodriguez, who had all five vowels in his first name.
8. Ed Figueroa, who had all five vowels in his last name.
9. The Topps Company, which has put chewing gum back into its baseball-card packs for the first time in 10 years.