As you know, federal law stipulates that each summer every American family must drive at least 14 hours in a Plymouth Voyager with no air conditioning to visit Mount Rushmore, just so the children can estimate how many canoes they could stuff up Teddy Roosevelt's nostrils.
But shouldn't there be a Mount Rushmore for our greatest sports figures? Of course there should! That's why we're unveiling Mount Rushmores for sports all over the country. The four honorees selected for each of the monuments below are etched in stone—no arguments. Drag your kids to see them soon!
Baseball ( Dyersville, Iowa)—Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Ted Williams, Willie Mays.
Umps (Pearle Vision Express, Mall of America)—Eric Gregg, Terry Tata, Ron Luciano. (Not enough room for a fourth.)
Basketball (Rucker Park in Harlem)—Michael Jordan, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird.
Cheerleaders ( Sherman Oaks Galleria)—Raquel Welch, Dyan Cannon, Ann-Margret, George W Bush (yes, he was).
Pro football ( Wheaton, Ill.)—Red Grange, Jim Brown, Dick Butkus, John Elway.
College football ( Lincoln, Neb.)—Herschel Walker, Johnny Rodgers, Archie Griffin, former Supreme Court Justice Byron (Whizzer) White.
Gentlemen ( Savannah)—Byron Nelson, Dale Murphy, Kirby Puckett, Clyde Drexler.
Jerks (Hell)—Bob Knight, Ben Hogan, Billy Martin, Howard Cosell.