If you ask me, the NFL should keep its replacement refs and replace dang near everything else, for the league will be great again only if it implements—immediately—the following changes.
The collective weight of a team on the field shall henceforth not exceed 2,750 pounds (i.e., 250 pounds x 11 men). If the Rams want their offensive linemen to average four bills, fine. But their starting backfield will include, as a consequence, Don Knotts, Kate Moss and Gary Coleman.
Coaches will dress like adults again, as they still do in hockey and basketball. What ever happened to jackets and ties and fedoras? Even Vince Lombardi—in Columbo topcoat, Great Flood khakis and Spot-bilt shoes with the tongues turned down—had an elegance that's missing from current coaches, who are poured into polypropylene pullovers like gelatin into a mold. If, say, Eagles coach Andy Reid insists on stalking the sideline in a Crayola pack of colors, he may do so. However, he should, at the very least, have to enter the stadium in a Volkswagen Beetle, jammed with other circus clowns.
Punters and placekickers will be required to play—in every game—at least four downs at another position. The sight of Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis giving Vikings kicker Gary Anderson a snot bubble will be exceeded, in entertainment value, only by the vision of pancaked Raiders placekicker Sebastian Janikowski being peeled from the field like a Fruit Roll-Up.
Speaking of Lewis, he shall immediately retire his pregame dance, which has long resembled a ritual goat slaughter performed by Santeria priests. Or, failing that, he shall take his unseemly act one small step further and sacrifice a live lemur on the 50-yard line.
On the other hand: Any player scoring his first career touchdown will be allowed—indeed, required—to celebrate in the wildly excessive manner of contestants on a Mexican game show. After all, how can you be expected, upon entering the end zone, to "act like you've been there before" if, in fact, you've never been there before?
Television viewers will no longer be rewarded for staying home. Instead of enjoying highlights from around the league at half-time, they'll be treated to traditional in-stadium entertainment: Lucky couch potatoes will see the Florida A&M marching band; unlucky ones, Up with People.
The league shall henceforth conduct random drug testing on players' wives. It will suspend those spouses who test positive for any of the following substances: Aqua Net Super Hold, Maybelline Whiplash Mascara and Clairol Platinum Blonde Number 9.
The Bengals will be required to give each ticket holder, on Fan Appreciation Day, something he or she can use: an oversized novelty foam rubber hand with raised middle finger.
In an effort to kill broadcasters and closed-captioners alike, two expansion teams shall be created, and they shall play each other every week. One team will start Chidi Ahanotu, Tshimanga Biakabutuka, Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Isaiah Kacyvenski, Brandon Manu-maleuna, Tevita Ofahengaue, Shahriar Pourdanesh, Kimo Von Oelhoffen, Chike Okeafor and Obafemi Ayanbadejo. The roster of that team's perpetual opponent shall include Bhawoh Jue, Itula Mili, Mathias Nkwenti, Dat Nguyen, Chidi Iwuoma, Chukie Nwokorie, Wasswa Serwanga, Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Brody Heffner-Liddiard, Nate Hobgood-Chittick and the immortal Az-Zahir Hakim.