The Fan Who Came In From The Cold

No, no, no! Cooke's dead. The Redskins now belong to the dumbest owner in sports, Dan Snyder. He signed all these old guys he must've had posters of on his bedroom wall when he was a kid, and now the Redskins are just bad—

"Boys! Yes, they have always been bad boys! Riggo under table—'Loosen up, Sandy, baby!' George Allen shutting off hot water in Cowboys' shower! Harvey Martin throwing funeral wreath into Redskins' locker facility! Oh, what a rumbling we will have!"

No, no. No rumbling, I tried to say as he went through my closet, trying on sport jackets. Bumbling, but no rumb—

"How can it miss? Joe Gibbs, great, great coach, no? Jimmy Johnson, great, great hair spray, no?"

No, no. Those guys are gone, Ivan. Johnson just rides around in his boat, and Gibbs just runs race cars. Neither of them coaches football anymore.

Ivan's face was starting to fall like the Berlin Wall. "But what of Troy Aikman and Moooooose Johnston and Joe Heisman Theismann?"

All in the broadcasting booth.

"Delightfully zany Cowboys owner Jerry Jones?"

Well, he's still the Cowboys' owner, but you might not recognize him. He lost weight and they say he had a face-lift. He looks more like Shirley Jones now.

"Still! Redskins-Cowboys always great game, no? For Eastern National Conference of Foozball lead, no?"