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Star-Studded Lineup
Rick Reilly
November 19, 2001
Don't worry. The cretins on the other side of the glass can't see you. That's a one-way mirror. Just take your time and try to identify which of these Spam brains was the worst menace in sports last week.
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November 19, 2001

Star-studded Lineup

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This is former NBA star Dennis Rodman, who's in here so much, he's running a tab. We got him this time for disturbing our stomachs. He's negotiating to be part owner of an Irving, Calif., restaurant, which he wants to rename Rodman's Roadhouse. He plans to add an area for tattooing and body piercing. Sounds yummy, huh? Tattooing, piercing and fine dining? Let's see.... I'll have a Fuzzy Navel and something to drink. When you want the Mom's Special, are you talking about the meat loaf or a tattoo? Waiter, your fly is in my soup. Somewhere, a health-department inspector drools.

O.K., step out, Number 6.

This is Atlanta Hawks guard Jacque Vaughn, whom we brought in for using a deadly blunt instrument—his jumper. He started the season 0 for 22 from the field, tied with that frozen cadaver down in forensics. The amazing part, though, is what Vaughn said afterward: "My shot feels good." Your shot feels good, Jacque? What shot? Your allergy shot? Your tequila shot? "I'll turn it around," said Vaughn. Sure enough, he did. The next game he went 1 for 5. But his shot felt good.

O.K., Number 7. You in the suit.

The bunco squad got this guy on a scam. He represents Pittsburgh TV station KDKA, which was caught taking the live network feed of the Steelers- Kansas City Chiefs game, sneaking in an extra 30-second ad and then cutting the game feed a little at a time to fit the ad in. Hey, geniuses, did it occur to you that some people watch the game on TV but listen on the radio? Those people could see the telecast was lagging 30 seconds behind! The KDKA staff's punishment, of course, will be having to watch 1,000 hours of cheesy Fox promos. Number 8, you're last.

This is L.A. Clippers star Lamar Odom, who admitted at a tearful press conference that he'd been caught smoking dope for the second time in eight months. The narcs, however, think he was crying because he heard Nate Newton's van wasn't coming.

O.K., that's it. Unfortunately, we've got to let them all go. We've got to make room for real trouble. Bob Knight is about to start coaching again.

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