Don't worry. The cretins on the other side of the glass can't see you. That's a one-way mirror. Just take your time and try to identify which of these Spam brains was the worst menace in sports last week.
O.K., Number 1. Step out.
This is former Dallas Cowboys lineman Nate Newton. We pulled him over in a van carrying 213 pounds of marijuana. That would be enough for 141,769 joints or, used medicinally, enough to make a blind man see. The pot had a munchies equivalent of two semis filled with Cheetos, which, considering Nate checks in at about 400 pounds, might just be enough for him. Amazingly, Nate didn't try to swallow the evidence.
Number 2, step out.
This is baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Homicide brought him in on charges of a) plotting to murder two teams—probably the Minnesota Twins and the Montreal Expos; b) choking the buzz out of one of the greatest World Series; c) killing any chance there was of avoiding a lockout or strike next season; and d) scamming for his own dog-ass Milwaukee Brewers, who would muscle in on the Twins' fans and TV market if Minnesota gets whacked. On the plus side, he flosses regularly.
Let's go, Number 3
This is New York Jets defensive back Damien Robinson. He was busted for the ugliest face-masking since Tammy Faye Bakker. Robinson says he didn't know that he had hold of New Orleans Saints' quarterback Aaron Brooks's face mask. What did you think it was, Damien, orthodontic headgear? A month ago an assault rifle, ammunition and high-capacity clips were found in the back of his SUV. The Jets fined him $30,000 for that, giving him a total of $50,000 in fines in one month—breaking the record held by Exxon.
Clank on out, Number 4.
This human tattoo is Saints tackle Kyle Turley, whom the psychward guys hauled in after he went so bonkers about the face-masking of Brooks that he pried Robinson's helmet off and threw it downfield, costing the Saints the game and himself $25,000. Not the brightest guy. (Psst! Hey, Kyle, next time you want to rip a player's helmet off, better check the back of his SUV first.)
Step out, Number 5. Yeah, you with the boa.