1. A $275,000 house would seem to Tiger Woods to cost $130.74
2. A $40,000 SUV would seem to Alex Rodriguez to cost $47.62
3. A $40 dinner would seem to Kevin Garnett to cost 7 cents
Places on Which Fox Is Figuring Out a Way to Superimpose Cheesy Ads
1. Don Zimmer's cheeks
2. Squatting Mike Piazza's crotch
3. Pool of spittle on the dugout floor
4. Foreheads of fans behind home plate
5. The moon
Real Quotes from Lovable Air Force Football Coach Fisher DeBerry
1. "We just had trouble shifting gears in midstream."
2. "It's tough playing Hawaii because they have all those Simoleans."
3. "Ninety-nine times out of 10 you're not going to win like mat."
Best Actual Rodeo Names
1. Steve Dollarhide
2. Buster Record Jr.
3. Blue Stone
4. Spud Duvall
5. Rope Myers
Sentences That Have Never Been Uttered
1. "...and Mr. Siragusa will have the cottage cheese plate."
2. "I completely understand what you're saying, Mr. Dickerson."
3. "Thanks for the Christmas bonus, Mrs. Schott!"
Things That Should Be Retired ASAP