Allen Iverson: "Bust caps in all the hatas, win mad bling-bling for all of Illadelph and finally learn to needlepoint."
Vince McMahon: "Forget XFL by founding Xcapades, a violent, salacious, no-Salchows-barred version of the Ice Capades."
Larry Coker: "Continue to deny the irony of Miami's having a football coach named Coker."
Dan Issel's abrupt resignation as coach of the Denver Nuggets short-circuited this next column, an hourly accounting of Issel's potential community service for calling a fan a "Mexican $%@*&!":
1. Set up Port-A-Potties on parade routes on cuatro de Mayo.
2. Man the carnival dunk tank at all celebrations on cinco de Mayo.
3. Sweep up mierda de burros on seis de Mayo.
A hoary convention of magazine journalism is the "What's Hot and What's Not" list. I avoided writing one of those columns in 2001, though I did compile several possible items, just in case.... Hot: Temperatures at Houston Astros home games. Not: Temperatures at Green Bay Packers home games. Hot: Scalding coffee at Pac Bell Park. Not: Frozen yogurt at Shea Stadium. Hot: Ben Gay. Not: Ice packs.
Now you see why I didn't write these columns. And you have my pledge that I never will.