Besides, skaters are already the most policed athletes this side of the Dallas Cowboys. "I can't lie on the ice, can't stay on both knees," groans Ina. "My costume can't be too revealing. I can't wear a unitard [Debi Thomas Rule]. I have to have my crotch covered and my rear end covered, but if I'm in the middle of a spin and my suit rides up into a wedgie, is it a deduction?"
That's a Zen koan for crotchety ISU officials to ponder.
Everything in skating now is so asexual. Men can't wear tights ( Brian Boitano Rule) and can't show armpit or chest hair. "I've got rashes on my chest from trying to shave it," says Charles Sinek, who will dance at the Olympics with his wife, Beata Handra. (Shouldn't there be some kind of allowance for these two? After all, they're married. We know they don't have sex.)
If you start censoring figure skating, what about the rest of the Olympics? Have you taken a look at the two-man luge? It's two men in lycra suits tight enough to tell if they have innies or outies, with one lying directly on top of the other'. Olympic male swimmers wear about 29 cents worth of material. Is that indecent? In tennis, when Serena Williams goes for a smash and her skirt flies up over her waist, should she be docked a point? And, my God, what about Jesper Parnevik's golf pants?
So now you can add sexless figure skating to the Salt Lake City Games, which will have the Mormon Tabernacle Choir but almost no caffeine, liquor, cigarettes, bars that stay open past—what?—9 p.m., strip clubs and massage joints.
Not that anybody would actually, you know (throat-clearing noise), want to indulge in those things.