Naked Ambitions

Not to alarm you, but this may be the last Swimsuit Issue you ever get.

No, seriously. We're tapped out of ideas for this thing—blanked, on E. We've done every swimsuit theme imaginable. We've done the 3-D thing, the 1920s thing, the Greek goddess thing, the futuristic thing. We've even put athletes and their wives in swimsuits. You might not believe this, but one theme under consideration is Cheryl Tiegs: Sexy and 70!

We've got to do something. I mean, we can't just put one of these out with the cover line: Tall Women Wearing Not Much More Than an Oven Mitt and leave it at that. There's got to be some respectable reason that it comes to your mailbox, so that your wife or girlfriend won't beat you about the head with it as soon as she sees the cover. It's got to at least pretend to be about swimsuit fashion and sporty resorts. You know: On the Go in Pago Pago!

We only bother with the themes for the women, of course. Guys don't give a cheeseball what the theme of the Swimsuit Issue is every year, as long it's not The Hottest New Burkas! But you need some fashion and travel or the thing starts looking like something Hef laid out in his grotto. But, honestly, what swimsuit themes are left? At this point we're down to:

?Naked Models Discuss Swimsuits They Once Wore!

?The Models Shoot the Photographers!

?Cute Wading-Pool Baby Pictures of the Models! (Hey, you wanted more topless shots, right?)

?The Anti-Skin Cancer Issue: Every Picture Shot at Night!

Or how about this? When the Swimsuit Issue comes out, one of the models delivers it to your house!

Uh, Mom? Heidi Klum's at the door. She says Dad ordered her.