And perhaps in Les Alexander's. The owner of the Houston Rockets is Man's Best Friend's best friend. That's why the Rockets' dancers wear a uniform bearing a pro-animal-rights slogan and why the food court in the team's new arena—to open next season—will be a veritable vegeteria, a fact that frankly does not please all sports fans. "If animals weren't meant to be eaten," says Jody Brown, "then why are they made out of meat?"
Touch�. Brown is a cattle rancher from Faith, S.Dak., who has no beef with vegans, provided they don't try to convert the carnivorous, especially in America's ballparks. A Colorado Rockies fan, for instance, has every right—some say a duty—to eat the deep-fried bull testicles for sale at Coors Field. "Most people who go to sporting events aren't namby-pamby veggies," says Brown. "They're real, working people who enjoy eating."
True enough. But the conscientious sports fan is now responsible for far more than the animal kingdom. He or she is now responsible for the world and thus risks, with every decision, paralysis by analysis. Consider this: There are 14,725 18-hole golf courses in the United States, each one consuming, on average, 150 acres. If each of these holes was linked in a single gargantuan course, it would be really, really deflating to realize—on the 10,393rd fairway—that you left your lob wedge on the 7th green. But that is not, strictly speaking, my point.
My point is, this course would occupy an area larger than Rhode Island. An area much larger, when you factor in driving ranges, golf shops and John Daly. The U.S. has, in other words, a whole State of Golf. And so one is duty bound to ask, as an ever-more-crowded America turns away immigrants from her shores, if this is a responsible use of our land.
The answer, naturally, depends on your handicap. But I, for one, vow never again to swing a club. Unless I'm invited to Cypress Point. In fact, as I now contemplate Don King, and bullfighting and the Cleveland Indians' logo, I vow never again to leave the house. The sports landscape is an ethical steeplechase. And don't get me started on steeplechase.