Nobody was more shocked than I was when Bud Selig had to undergo an emergency charisma transplant and named me temporary commissioner.
So, while he's still under the anesthesia, I'm making a few little changes to a game with more problems than a Baghdad plumber. Starting today....
Players must have read a book before writing one.
The DH is the rule in both leagues. I'm sick of seeing National League pitchers swing like they're trapped in a car with a bee.
The Montreal Expos can go to Washington, and Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos can go to hell.
Any ball hit into the crowd has to be handed to the nearest kid.
Oh, and no more ground-rule doubles. If a fair ball bounces into the crowd, the fielder better go get it because the batter will be circling the bases. That ought to be fun. O.K., you're 6'8", 310? You sit in the front row.
Any spam-brain seated behind home plate who is seen waving at the camera as he jabbers on his cellphone—Can you see me? I'm on TV!—gets a free tray of beers...poured on him.
A hitter can refuse to walk after four balls. After six balls, he walks to second base. Sorry, but we'd like to see Barry Bonds actually swing a bat for our $29.
Of course, all that jousting armor Bonds wears at the plate is hereby illegal.