Why Daddy Can't Write

ME: Yeah. Weird, huh?

HER: "Cab to church, $27." Mom says it would take a team of Clydesdales to drag you to church.

ME: O.K., it was the racetrack. But people were praying.

HER: Who's Lamar Higgenbottom?

ME: Lamar Higgenbottom....Beats me.

HER: Says on this receipt you took him to dinner.

ME: Oh, sure! Nice fella.

After alphabetizing my books, rearranging my bottom-drawer ketchup packets and trying on all my hats, she sighed and said, "What do you think other dads are doing with their daughters?"

ME: Well, the Detroit Red Wings are doing the same thing as I am, lying around on the couch. And Hootie Johnson started the day by telling his daughter, "O.K., you stay in the parking lot, and I'll meet you at five." And whatever Jose Canseco and his daughter are doing, it's not more than 100 yards from their den, what with the court-ordered house arrest and all.

HER: Dad, are you trying lines out on me?