You jokers have no idea how hard it was bein' paired with Annika. No wonder Vijay said he wouldn't play with her. It wadn't any protest! It was self-survival! The damn TV people covered every shot she hit! Do you know how embarrassin' it is to get outdrove by a 5'6" Swedish chick? And have all my buddies back in Biloxi know it? I mean, how'm I supposed to show my face at the Spittoon Club?
Hey, it's not that funny, Mickelson! I mean, she averages 275 yards off the tee! That's longer'n you, Faxxy! She hits 77% of her greens! That's better'n any of us! For cripessakes, last year she won 'bout as many tournaments as she lost!
Besides, that's the biggest crowd I ever played in front of in my daggone life! I was nervous as Craig Stadler at a cannibal convention. I'm Category 3, you know, lowest rank out here for startin' times. Usually I get about two Toro mowers watchin' me. All of a sudden I had 10,000 people. My mouth was dryer'n a stray dog in Lubbock.
At least I went through with it, unlike that Brit bastard Nigel. He was s'posed to be our third and backed out at the last second. I still ain't believin' his excuse—sayin' he didn't wanna be beat by a "bird." Hail, I been beat by plenny a birds. And eagles, too!
I'm tellin' you, boys, it was like a damn zoo out there! Hail, we had more reporters'n J.Lo! That Entertainment Tonight crew was a pain, and Ashleigh Banfield didn't know the first thang about golf, neither. And I just wanna say one thing: I didn't come anywhere near Geraldo with that drive!
Plus, it didn't help havin' Martha Burk and all her gals wearin' them SCREW MEN: WE CAN KILL OUR OWN SPIDERS T-shirts. And them gals could punch, couldn't they?
See, I did some research since all this happened, and it turns out women beatin' men ain't all that weird. Julie Krone has beaten plenny of 'em on horses. Women drivers have finished ahead of 93 different men at the Indy 500. Hail, every marathon, the best woman beats most of the guys entered!
And I ain't the first Tour player beat by a gal. Turns out this Babe Didrickson Zaharias played four Tour stops way back in the '30s and '40s and made the 36-hole cut at three of them. So why do y'all keep gettin' on the tee with me and sayin', "Ladies first"?
Not only that, but I looked up our bylaws. Don't say nothin' about havin' to have no penis to play on this tour. So you just keep laughin', you monkeys, but some day some filly's gonna come along and kick you in the groin too.
Well, shoot—if y'all are just gonna keep rollin' around on the floor laughin' and peltin' me with pink tees, this meetin' is done. I'm spendin' the rest of the season on the Nationwide Tour. Yeah, it's the bush leagues, but at least hecklers won't be askin' if it's that time of the month ever time I make a bogey.