SI Vault
Bill Scheft
July 28, 2003
Note to reader: For no logical reason, until further notice please replace all references to Barry Zito with Roger Clemens.
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July 28, 2003

The Show

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In other baseball news the Dodgers signed 44-year-old Rickey Henderson. In his honor, fans will not start arriving at Dodger Stadium until the third person.

Albert Pujols still has a shot at the Triple Crown. Apparently Funny Cide and Empire Maker don't have quite enough plate appearances.

This just in: The Italian sausage mascot will return after a rehab stint with the Brewers' Hickory Farm club.


Are you like me? Suddenly you want Chris Berman to talk more?

Limbaugh will contribute an opening essay, which will be followed by a short break while they refill the studio with oxygen.

Rush fits the two primary qualities ESPN was looking for: someone who can express his opinions without equivocation, and someone who can fit into Bill Parcells's old pants without alteration.

The Limbaugh hiring has had an effect. Membership in the Bristol, Conn., chapter of the NRA increased by 200%.

Also at ESPN, Deion Sanders was named host of The New American Sportsman. Don't miss the season premier, when Prime Time and Robert Duvall go hunting for auto repairs discounts.

Deion just won a case in court after the owner of a car-repair shop said he paid only $1,500 of a $4,200 bill on the advice of Jesus. Actually, Jesus told Deion to pay $1,500, and that He may be back in three days with the rest

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