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After the Deluge
Steve Rushin
August 11, 2003
The earth had become an abomination to God, and displeased was He with the designated-hitter rule, and Who Let the Dogs Out and the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl. And so the Lord said, "All the creatures at play on this Earth shall perish." And He told Noah to build an Ark, and summon unto it two of every species in sports, that they might survive the Great Flood and live to repopulate—after 40 cleansing days and nights—a righteous new sports world. And Noah obeyed, for he was himself a righteous man: a retired French tennis star (and double-platinum-selling reggae artist) whose first name was Yannick.
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August 11, 2003

After The Deluge

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Noah was allowed to bring two and only two foods (he chose nachos and "cheez"). He carried two beverages (beer and light beer). He packed a pair of architectural blueprints (of Fenway Park and Lambeau Field).

On the 40th day of this rain delay, with the waters receding, Noah released a white dove. It returned seven days later with a leaf in its mouth. At first, Noah thought it was marijuana, left over from Damon Stoudamire's stash. But it proved to be ivy, from the walls of Wrigley Field, which God had spared in the Flood.

At this, Noah wept with relief and disembarked from the Ark.

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