Bear with me, I'm still coming down from the NFL Kickoff Conceit. Tell me if I'm wrong: If your team needs help against the run, you can do worse than Aretha Franklin.
RAINS END, REIGNS BEGIN AT U.S. OPEN
Because of the constant showers, multimedia exhibitions on the three indoor courts at the National Tennis Center had to be taken down so players could practice. So, fans were cheated out of seeing the smash tennis musical, Strictly Ballboy.
So much rain at the beginning of Week 2, they had to attach pontoons to the Mac Cam.
By the way, thank God they lifted the "no outside food" ban at Flushing Meadow. The first night I thought I saw Donald Trump trying to smuggle in a tuna melt. Turned out to be his hair.
OHIO STATE NEARLY GETS KICKED IN AZTECS
And now it looks as if Maurice Clarett will not be allowed to play for the defending champs this season. But here's the good news: The car he got from the local dealership still has three years of eligibility left.
Turns out that wasn't just any automobile Clarett was driving. That's the ear students were going to set on fire if the Buckeyes win again this year.
Clarett's family is considering suing the NFL to let him enter the draft a year early. I think the league will probably settle out of court and give his mom title to a Hummer.
TEXANS NET DOLPHINS