Hell On Wheels

Jocks can't drive. Jail Blazer Rasheed Wallace was stopped in Portland last week for erratic driving and now has more points in the DMV than in the NBA. So let's revoke their licenses.

Except that jocks drive without them. When 'Sheed was stopped for erratic driving, his license had been suspended for more days than he has. So let's refuse to insure athletes.

But jocks drive without valid proof of insurance. Indeed, Wallace was doing just that when he was stopped for driving erratically, with a suspended license. So let's pull all athletes off the road.

Trouble is, jocks can't park. Soon after Florida State quarterback Chris Rix was fined for parking in a handicapped space two weeks ago, he was ticketed for parking in a space reserved for patients at a campus rehabilitation center. So let's impound the cars of all athletes.

Trouble with that is, jocks on foot are a real menace to motorists. Fresno State basketball player Terry Pettis last week turned himself in to die police after allegedly kicking the Quaker State out of his former girlfriend's parked car. So let's bar athletes from their own cars and the parked cars of their loved ones.

The problem here is that jocks on foot might then vandalize the rides of strangers. Oakland Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski, already on probation for misdemeanor drunken driving, was arrested last week in Walnut Creek, Calif., for allegedly ripping the mirror off a car in a supper club's parking lot. It may have been an accident, as Janikowski claims. Or the nocturnal, mirror-averse, black-wearing Eastern European might in fact be Dracula. In either event, let's assign police officers to follow athlete-pedestrians on all their late-night constitutionals.

Except that jock pedestrians tailed by cops would still disrupt traffic while locomoting. Darrell Armstrong of the New Orleans Hornets was charged in August with battery on a law-enforcement officer after allegedly standing, at 2:35 a.m., in the middle of a downtown Orlando street and then assaulting the officer who tried to escort him to the sidewalk. Armstrong said he was strong-armed from behind by the officer. Still, let's bar athletes from going anywhere near their own cars, the cars of their loved ones and the cars of strangers and the police.

Except that jocks are a peril near any manner of mechanized conveyance. The assaulted officer in the Armstrong case—a 5'4" woman—was from the bicycle unit. So to ensure public safety, let's make all cops use only medieval modes of transportation.

Alas, Seattle SuperSonics center Art Long was charged in college with punching a police horse. But he was acquitted.

Still, if you see an athlete driving or walking on any road, you might preemptively alert a perambulating policeman. Here's hoping that Los Angeles Clippers center Olden Polynice, who was charged twice in 2000 with impersonating a police officer in road rage-related incidents (he eventually accepted plea bargains), isn't the first respondent on the scene.