Tonight on Queer Eye for the Sports Guy, our gay panelists make over a straight sports columnist and leave him looking like the South Beach Dinner Theater director.
Why fight the (purple) power? Straight is so last week. Near Queer is here.
The signs are everywhere. Last week's episode of Playmakers featured the character who's a gay football player. Soccer superstar David Beckham paints his toenails and wears sarongs. Did you see Pudge Rodriguez kiss Marlins closer Ugueth Urbina nearly on the lips in the playoffs? They're both straight—not that there's anything wrong with that.
The gay stigma is toast. You go through an NFL locker room and you'll see 310-pound linemen borrowing each other's hand moisturizer, saying, "I can't believe you don't exfoliate, dude," and then leaving in salmon silk shirts.
So I called the hosts of the Bravo channel smash hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and asked them to make over the column: top to bottom, left to right, until it was gay enough for Nathan Lane to read. Unfortunately, the Queer Eye boys couldn't have been less interested if I'd invited them to Jell-O Night at Cheerleaders.
Fine. I went to my gay and lesbian friends and acquaintances and asked them to make over the column for a week. They were delighted to help—especially after they got a look at my column picture and nearly ralphed. "Uh, about that sweater?" said my gay stylist friend, Lawrence. " Mister Rogers is dead."
Cyd Zeigler Jr., who cofounded the gay website Outsports.com, then weighed in on the turtleneck I was wearing. "Uh, hello?" he said. "Mock turtles were never in!"
Lawrence put me in a see-through print shirt (so now!), crammed me into leather pants (so cow!) and plucked my eyebrows (say ow!). Then he topped it all off with a beanie. "Can't you do some cool style with my hair?" I protested.
"There is no cool style I can do with that little hair," he said, clamping the beanie on tight. Suddenly, this is more like THE LIFE OF (CHARLES NELSON) REILLY.
Now, what would gay sports fans like to see in a magazine that is usually about as gay as Gen. George Patton? "Gay-sports issues," Zeigler said, "opinion and, most of all, naked pictures of [ Houston Texans] quarterback David Carr!"