Too True To Be Good

EVEN SO, SEVERAL COWBOYS COMPLAINED THAT THEY STILL WEREN'T GETTING ENOUGH TOUCHES
Taylor said he frequently sent hookers to the hotel rooms of visiting players on nights before a game.

MARKETING WHIZ, PART II
The cable superstation TBS installed "talking ads" in 500 bar bathrooms that tell urinal users there are two prerequisites for manhood: using the toilet standing up and watching "as much college football as humanly possible."

BOWLING BALL STRIKES, SPARES WOMAN
A pedestrian in Greensboro, Ga., escaped with only a broken leg after a bowling ball, run over by a road worker cutting grass, shot out from beneath the vehicle's tire and hit her.

"I DON'T KNOW BUT I HAVE READ!... THIS GUY HAS AN EMPTY HEAD!"
After losing a football game to Tennessee, Miami tight end Kellen Winslow told reporters, "It's war. They're out to kill you, so I'm out there to kill them.... I'm a soldier."

"I DON'T KNOW BUT I HAVE HEARD!... FEW TEAM NICKNAMES MORE ABSURD!"
On their official website, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers billed their defensive stars as "Weapons of Mass Destruction."

BETTER RED THAN DEAD
Martin Warburton, a Manchester United fan, agreed to be a donor for his brother's life-saving stem cell transplant on several conditions: that the brother, a Manchester City fan, join a Man United fan club; that he sign a contract renouncing his support for City; and that he repaint his house red.

"MY BONNIE LIES OVER HIS TRANSCRIPT...."
The president of St. Bonaventure resigned when a basketball transfer was revealed to have gained admission on the basis of a welding certificate.

HOW HAD HE BEEN TAKING IT?
A few days after his team lost its playoff series to the Yankees, Red Sox president Larry Lucchino said, "I've started taking food orally again."