Do what Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods do: Never take a stand on anything, because you might make somebody angry and screw up your endorsement possibilities.
Buy all your Rolexes from out-of-breath vendors near Shea Stadium.
Never miss a single game of your beloved Boston Red Sox, even if it means staring at the Internet radio feed on your computer for four hours. Tucking in your three-year-old can wait. You've got to keep your score book up to date.
Try to please everybody.
Move to N.Y. or L.A. right away. That's where all the important people are.
Don't play basketball. Play EA Sports NBA Live 2004 basketball. Don't join a football team. Get in a fantasy football league. Don't shovel the walk. Drive 20 minutes to the athletic club, and get on the sim-snow-shoveler 2000.
Find a cigarette brand, and stick to it, dammit.
Men, when you get your first apartment, nail your baseball cap collection up on the wall. Chicks dig it.
Get more tattoos titan Allen Iverson. They age you gracefully.