And wear enough jewelry to set off the airport metal detector from the Hertz lot.
Once you're married, never go to bed mad. It's important that you settle, once and for all, who forgot to tape the Cavaliers' game.
Get deeply involved in world championship wrestling.
Let Bob Knight be your moral compass.
Buy a great big house on a great big wide street with a three-car garage. Then anchor yourself in a La-Z-Boy, and vow to never miss a SportsCenter or meet the neighbors.
Remember, charities only want your check, not your time.
And never do community service without being sentenced first.
Get involved with the Big Brother program. They'll take you to the ball game and buy you ice cream cones.
Secretly tape all your conversations with your agent and hitmen. And keep the tapes where prosecutors can easily find them once the trial starts.
Always get one for the road. If you get pulled over by a cop, be sure to say, "You're not gonna check in the trunk, right?"