Keep your grudges handy.
Buy the biggest freakin' SUV you can find. If your kids want to talk to you from the backseat, they can use their cellphones.
Care deeply about your kids' sports. Call the coach a lot. Attend every practice, constantly hollering instruction. If your kid is into hockey, get him on teams in three different parts of town, even if it means he has to eat dinner in the car every night. Remember, your kids are your second chance in life. Don't let them blow it for you.
If you're about to make a bet with a very tan stranger on the 1st tee and he says he's "about a 22," take his word for it.
Take yourself very, very seriously. It's crucial that the world remembers you after you're gone.
When the cameras are on you, pray louder than everybody else. God keeps track of this stuff.
If your team wins the big game, celebrate by picking up a Mini Cooper and throwing it through the window of a Denny's.
If your team loses the big game, console yourself by picking up a Mini Cooper and throwing it through the window of a Denny's.
And, most important, before making a decision, ask yourself these four words: "What would Rodman do?"
Remember, graduates, the future is in your hands.