Dear 2004 graduating class of sports fans, jocks, wannabes, willbes, players, playaz and everybody in between: Thank you for allowing me to deliver your commencement address.
Someone once said, "Free advice is worth every penny." So as you embark on a great new adventure, follow closely these little instructions I'm about to give you, and your life will be more screwed up than that of any member of the Jackson 5.
Give Don King power of attorney.
When interviewing for a job in the sports industry, always arrive wearing your favorite throwback jersey. Also, grab your crotch a lot and say, "Word, bossman!" It lends authenticity.
And always begin those interviews with the question, "You don't have any kind of screwy drug policy here, do you?"
Always be an hour late for everything. It adds mystery.
Bet big on the Chargers.
And remember, if your kitty gets low, you can always make it back with a big move on the Monday night game.
Keep up with the Joneses. In fact, make it your sole goal in life to kick the Joneses' ass.
Never ever take crap from Mike Tyson.