To find a grown man willing to be humiliated and embarrassed by the 14-year-old, par-5-gobbling female phenom golfer known as Michelle Wie, you need to find someone used to humiliation and embarrassment. You need someone with his own 14-year-old daughter.
And so it was that I played in the LPGA's Safeway International pro-am scramble near Phoenix recently. And after going 18 holes with the Big Wiesy, I can see no real difference between her and my daughter Rae.
For instance, one constantly outdrives me. The other I'm constantly out driving.
And they both seem to live to a) buy $4 dangly earrings, b) talk about boys and c) talk about boys while buying $4 dangly earrings. "I have this one pair that kind of hurt," Michelle said on one hole.
"Too tight?" I asked.
"No, I swing so hard they come up and slap me in the cheeks."
Don't recall Arnie ever having that problem.
Also, each girl comes with FANS (Filtration of Adult Noise System). Example: When I say, "Rae, clean up your room, please," she hears, "Rae, continue to IM about boys, text-message about boys and call, quilt and smoke-signal about boys, please."
Same with. Michelle, who will become the youngest U.S. player in Curtis Cup history when the Americans play the team from Great Britain and Ireland in two weeks. When I, as the self-appointed captain of our pro-am team, said to her on the 1st hole, "Michelle, just get something out in the middle of the fairway here. That corner is too long to cut," she heard, "Dude! Go for it!"