The Round And The Furry

Dodgers Vice President Lon Rosen says the team is strongly considering creating a mascot to appear during home games.
—Los Angeles Times, June 1

(June 2, 11 a.m.)

Phone rings.

"Lon Rosen? Lon! Lonnie! Marty Fleck Sports Entertainment Unlimited. Saw the item in the paper, figured you people need help.

"Loving the mascot idea. Loving it like I used to love things with carbs.

"I read where you're the VP in charge of marketing. Don't take this wrong, you boys have done a swell job over there for the last 46 years, but this pride, tradition and class drum you've been beating don't get people up on the dance floor anymore.

"Okay, enough throat clearing. Let me long-toss a few possibilities. You can have any or all of them. Seriously, why have one when you can run out a different weird character every other inning, like Lou Piniella's doing on the mound in Tampa?

"First off, do you want to do the conventional mascot route? Before you answer, I think I read in the trades last month that the Expos let Youppi go. So he's available. And he's a pro. We get him down here, give him breast implants and a nose job and we're done. Maybe we should change his name. All I have so far is You-pay. Is that anything? Don't answer.

"This next one is a little conceptual. I figured you might want something that speaks to the Dodger fan experience, but yet is also L.A. indigenous. What about an adorable, furry patch of smog that shows up in the third inning and leaves in the sixth?

"You're right—too esoteric. Okay, how about something for the kids? Botox the Clown. Big hair, big shoes, big smooth brow, bigger syringe. Yeah, yeah, I know. Better wait till this BALCO beef cools down.