Divine Design (Home & Garden Television). Actual synopsis: "Chico hangs a chandelier!"
The Real World: San Diego ( MTV, rerun): "Randy tells Robin if she waits too long to do the booty dance with Mike, he might take his business somewhere else."
The O'Reilly Factor ( Fox News Channel): " Sylvester Stallone talks about Rocky VI."
Game 1 did, however, tie a test pattern on Channel 504 in Omaha.
Do you realize washingtonpost.com ran a poll asking, "Which teams will advance to the Stanley Cup finals?" and 42% picked, "I didn't realize the NHL playoffs were going on!"
Like Rocky VI, it only promises to get worse. The NHL has more problems than the Athens Chamber of Commerce, including over-expansion, an average player salary of $1.8 million in a sport with a puny TV deal, an impending lockout that could doom next season, too many things people don't want to see (like trapping defenses) and not enough things people want to see (like goals).
Enter Beef and his World's Greatest Goon idea.
"I've had a few death threats," Beef says. "Everybody tells me, 'Hockey is such a beautiful game! You don't need the fighting!' Excuse me? Beautiful? Did you see that 1-0 game [ Tampa Bay over Calgary in Game 4]? It was boring as hell! But you get a couple fights going, you got a great game!"
Beef figures people will pony up to see such thawed-out thugs as former New York Islander Jason (the Chief) Simon, former Maple Leaf John (the Reverend) Craighead and Sasha (the Pit Bull) Lakovic, who played the evil Soviet captain in Miracle. All we need now is the Hanson brothers and we're partying.
Beef even persuaded former Philadelphia Flyers muscle Dave (the Hammer) Schultz to be a judge. "And I can't guarantee you that the Hammer won't suddenly get caught up in the moment and start going at it!" he gushes.