Different Tiger, Different Rules

7. Gong the goon.

Tiger's caddie, Steve Williams, has all the charm of a rhino with an impacted molar. He doesn't speak to the media, rarely talks to fans and has the look on his face of a man who'd very much like to pinch your head off.

At Shinnecock he kicked a photographer's camera on Friday and reached into the crowd to snatch another camera on Sunday. Once, at a Skins Game, he took a fan's camera and threw it into a lake. The man has ruined more pictures than Sylvester Stallone.

Hey, here's an idea: Fire the caddie and rehire the coach!

8. No more saying, "Well, Nicklaus went through this, too."

True, Jack Nicklaus had two long majorless stretches in his prime—12 straight from 1967 to '70 and another 10 straight from 1976 to '78. But in those 22 tournaments he had six seconds, three thirds and 16 top 10s. Oh, and in his career he had 19 seconds in majors, and Tiger has had one. You want close? Now that's close.

9. Sigh and accept it: There's a possibility Tiger may have peaked.

Woods gave us the single greatest achievement in sports history: the Tiger Slam in 2000 and '01. If you've got the Hope diamond, why keep shopping? Dwight Gooden peaked at 20. Macaulay Culkin at 10. Why can't Tiger have peaked at 24?

10. Stop with the sympathy.

Woods is 28, worth more than $200 million and engaged to a Swedish nanny so freaking gorgeous that rivers stop and take a look. O.K., he's got to deal with the heartbreak of sticky grass now and again, but pardon me if we don't throw him a telethon. Put it this way: Would he trade places with David Duval?