ST. LOUIS: "...had a bond issue recently and the local papers campaigned for it on a slogan 'Progress or Decay,' and decay won in a landslide."

OAKLAND: "...is this kind of town: You have to pay 50 cents to go from Oakland to San Francisco. Coming to Oakland from San Francisco is free."

THE TWIN CITIES: "...didn't like each other and from what I could see I didn't blame either of them."

BALTIMORE: "...a guy just standing on a corner with no place to go and rain dripping off his hat. Baltimore's a great place if you're a crab."

LOS ANGELES: "...underpoliced and oversexed."

Murray and nuclear waste dumps have a lot in common. Everybody likes them until one shows up in the backyard.

Take the state of Iowa. When the University of Iowa got stuck on its ear in the Rose Bowl this year, Murray felt for the visiting vanquished:

"...I mean, you're going to have to start covering your eyes when these guys come to town in the family Winnebago with their pacemakers and the chicken salad.... They're going home, so to speak, with a deed to the Brooklyn Bridge and a watch that loses an hour a day and turns green on their arm."

That ruffled Iowans so much that two weeks later Governor Terry Branstad began his state of the state message (as if he didn't have more pressing issues) with a comment for Murray: "Jim, we're proud to be Iowans...." the governor said. "We're tough and we're coming back."

No, no, no, Governor! You're taking it all wrong. To have your nose tweaked by Murray is to be hockey-pucked by Don Rickles. Look on it as a privilege. You're one of the lucky ones. Some people roast celebs. Murray roasts America. He has zinged and zapped every place from Detroit ("...should be left on the doorstep for the Salvation Army), to Munich, West Germany (" Akron with a crewcut!").