2) and the coach of the defensive team bounds off the bench as if his firstborn had just been ripped from his wife's bosom, and begins screaming, owllike, "Who? Who?"
3) and the fans look bewildered, because they have no idea what transgression has been committed.
On second thought, I don't want to know. Never mind.
?To get a handle on the 1989 Grey Cup game, to learn such inside stuff as: Who plays in it? Whatever for? And who was Grey?
?To get the skinny on John McEnroe. We have been getting a miasma of conflicting Mac-info. He either is or is not still a brat. He either is or is not getting serious about tennis again. He either is or is not planning to increase his tournament commitments. He either is or is not still playing air guitar. He either is or is not an attentive father. One thing I'm sure of: He's still lefthanded. I think.
?To draw up a comprehensive genealogical chart for auto racing, both stock and Indy cars, to find out whether every driver really is named Andretti, Petty, Allison, Dallenbach, Unser or Parsons.
?To learn the sport coat colors worn by representatives of every college bowl game. I know the Cotton Bowl guys wear green (the color of chervil, if I'm not mistaken), while the Fiesta Bowl reps favor canary. I suspect Orange Bowl guys wear orange, but does that mean Rose Bowlers wear rose? And what color is Sugar? Aloha Bowl reps wear Hawaiian shirts. Why don't some of the lower-profile bowls put their people in those flashy satin jackets favored by rock groups? An inscription on the back like THE GET DOWN AND BOOGIE AMOS ALONZO (RAPMASTER) STAGG BOWL WORLD TOUR would have a nice ring to it.
?To get to the bottom of Steve Timmons's hair. Or, more radically, to get to the top of it. Dozens of people said to me during the Olympic Games: "Some volleyball team, eh? Listen, what's the deal with that big redheaded guy's hair?" And I would have to plead ignorance.
Well, ask me again in 12 months and I'll have an answer, to all this and a lot of other things.