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THE ARMCHAIR GOLFER
Ogden Nash
June 15, 1964
THE ARMCHAIR GOLFER or WHIMPERS OF A SHORTCHANGED VIEWER
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June 15, 1964

The Armchair Golfer

THE ARMCHAIR GOLFER or WHIMPERS OF A SHORTCHANGED VIEWER

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We must wait, my friend, till the drama's end
Unfolds on the magic screen.
So join me here at my nineteenth hole
While they play the first fourteen.

The mysterious first fourteen, my friend,
Which is missing on my screen;
At times I wonder if anyone plays
The invisible first fourteen.

That the Open crown is a kingly crown
Is a statement we all endorse,
But I can't conceal that I sometimes feel
It is won on a four-hole course.

At times I think they have rolled the dice
To decide what their scores will be
As they swing a club for the very first time
When they stand on the fifteenth tee.

If McClellan is seeking a brand-new show,
Here's a TV mystery catchy;
The case of the missing fourteen holes
Would outrate Joe Valachi.

But hush! The sponsor is speaking now,
The first commercial unrolls
And you settle yourself in your easy chair
To follow the last four holes.

Well, two-ninths of a loaf is better than none
And the picture is sharp and clean;
Just be grateful you're there for the final four,
And the hell with the first fourteen!

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