SI Vault
James Van Alen
November 28, 1966
Having invented VASSS, the scoring system that takes the love out of tennis, the author now turns to greener pastures by advancing outrageous proposals that take the hate out of golf
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November 28, 1966

Untroubled Sport For Those Who Play Vaagg

Having invented VASSS, the scoring system that takes the love out of tennis, the author now turns to greener pastures by advancing outrageous proposals that take the hate out of golf

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If you were to bet that 90% of the people who play at—and note that I say "play at"—golf cannot break 100 without cheating, you would make money. You would, that is, if you could find anybody foolish enough to bet against you. Cheating, of course, includes conceding yourself three-foot putts, improving your lie in the rough, grounding your club in the bunker and playing winter rules when the sign by the first tee says SUMMER just as plain as your reflection in a water hazard.

What this means is that despite endless lessons, graded woods (one to four), graded irons (two to 10), a golf bag big enough to house an elephant, glove, cap, shoes, windbreaker, gooseneck putter and aerodynamically flawless ball, 90% of golfers are still hackers.

This is a sad state of affairs, and it is a lucky thing that the vast, unhappy and yet blindly dedicated army of 7.2 million hookers, slicers, toppers and three-putters who make up the lower 90% of the golfing fraternity never analyze golf as it relates to their own game. If they did they would be queued up for miles around the George Washington Bridge waiting for their turn to jump into that big lateral water hazard that borders Manhattan.

I do not mean to imply that hackers are insensitive about their golf. Quite the contrary. Many is the time I have seen the blood drain from a duffer's face and his eyes bug out as he sees the first drive he has connected with all day sail out-of-bounds, or his best approach shot catch a bunker. I have shared these emotions. I understand them. I commiserate. What is more, I intend to do something on behalf of all of us who suffer them.

Anyone who contends that these tribulations subconsciously give pleasure to the average golfer is talking through his Freud. The effect on the human nervous system approximates that experienced by a mountain goat hit by a soft-nosed bullet fired by a concealed hunter. He knows he has been hit, but by what and from where he has no idea. The only difference between me and my wounded brothers is that I do know what has hit me and where the bullet comes from. And I say that if golf as now designed cannot bring happiness to 90% of its players, the game needs changing.

My theory is that it must be the setup of the game and not the golfer's poor play that is the cause of all this weeping and gnashing of teeth. Maybe the game is geared too high for the lower 90%, maybe the penalties, such as bunkers, water hazards and out-of-bounds, are too severe. Perhaps the 90% are penalized 90% more per capita than the upper 10%. The problem, as I see it, is how to make pleasure out of torture for the majority of golfers.

In exploring this provocative possibility I have used the same technique that I did in simplifying lawn-tennis scoring by inventing VASSS. I have listed the negatives first:

1) A round of golf takes too long, at least four hours on the course plus one to get out and back—five hours in all. A complete morning or afternoon shot.

2) There is not enough exercise involved in a round of golf for the time spent playing it. No matter how much you zigzag back and forth across the average course (6,500 yards), you won't walk five miles. This means that golf can only be rated as a leisurely pastime and cannot be considered as real exercise. If you want exercise you must find some other way to get it. This is a most important point realized by few and admitted by fewer. You need no slide rule to figure that, even supposing you did walk five miles, you would only be averaging 1.25 mph, which is about as near to standing still as you can get and stay in motion. If you use a golf cart you might just as well be in a hammock.

3) There is not enough club action, not enough swinging. Essentially the game is supposed to be one of hitting a ball, but that is the thing you spend the least time doing on a golf course. Suppose you are a 125-shooter, which is a pretty dreary supposition, I admit. Allowing two putts per hole, which is highly optimistic, you will be hitting the ball, as opposed to putting it, only 125 times minus 36, or 89 times in four hours, which is about once every three minutes. This means there is enough time elapsing between shots for you to lose continuity completely. You forget what it felt like to hit the ball in the first place. For those who are interested in improving, the silly fact is that the better you play the less play you get.

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