HELP! GOLDFISH DROWNING!
Peter Humphrey, a 55-year-old water-purification consultant, was sauntering near his garden pond at Hillside Gardens, Northwood, England when he noticed that one of his 14 goldfish was gasping and about to go down for the third time. Acting with great alacrity and courage (he might have splashed water on his shoes), Humphrey snatched up the poor fish, put his fingers in its mouth and dredged up a pebble that was jammed in the goldfish's throat.
Humphrey has been recommended to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals for an award for heroism. RSPCA officials do not feel he is quite entitled to its silver or bronze medals, but he might perhaps receive its letter of commendation. "Though the action was quite commendable," one RSPCA official stated, "I doubt that Mr. Humphrey will receive an award. There doesn't seem to have been much element of personal risk, do you think?"
The London Sun in an editorial thinks Humphrey deserves an award, and finds the situation "No Joke at All," as it headed its editorial. "Goldfish lovers will applaud Mr. Humphrey, and so will goldfish," the Sun goes on. "To land creatures, like people, the idea of a fish drowning is unexpected and therefore slightly funny. It is unlikely to seem funny to goldfish." An RSPCA inspector added: "I would hate to think how many goldfish owners would have stood by and let the fish drown because they did not know what was wrong."
We think Mr. Humphrey should get at least a gold medal with guppy clusters, if not the Victoria Cross.
Tulane football coach Jim Pittman. whose Green Wave had a 3-7-0 record last year and whose prospects are none too bright this season, is telling an old anecdote with a new slant: Pittman was confronted by an inebriated fan after a defeat.
"Pittman, you're a lousy coach," the man proclaimed.
"You're drunk," Pittman retaliated.
"Yeah, I know," the drunk responded, "but I'll be over that in the morning."