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WHO BLEW THE U.S. NOSE COUNT?
Frank Deford
December 21, 1970
Where did we go wrong? You say the 1970 census shows the number of bores is declining? Impossible. Have you checked all the sports?
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December 21, 1970

Who Blew The U.s. Nose Count?

Where did we go wrong? You say the 1970 census shows the number of bores is declining? Impossible. Have you checked all the sports?

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"It's the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. Really."

"You can rent skis very cheaply. Really. And you can charge a whole magnificent ski outfit for next to nothing. Really. And then you can wear the clothes for a whole lot of other things. Really."

"No, it's actually very easy. Really. This broken leg was strictly a fluke thing. Really."

"Nobody cares if you don't ski. Really. You can sit in the lodge and drink all day long. Really. A lot of people do. Really. And you should see the broads that hang around. Really."

"Nobody laughs at you. Really. My 2-year-old picked it up right away. Really. The lifts are cheap. Really. And you can make it up there in an hour and a half. Really."

This explains, conclusively, why the general bore population has decreased so dramatically. It is retreating en masse from the Ski Bores. You must keep in mind, however, that the latent bore population remains very large, and there is solid evidence that many in this group will, in the next decade, feel obligated to restore themselves to the ranks of the bores in the only logical way—by becoming skiers.

It is the conclusion of this department that a crisis situation faces us in the '70s as the latent bore population shifts to skiing. The point may even be reached when not only will all skiers be bores, but all bores will be skiers. If this occurs, the stability and sanity of the entire United States is threatened.

cc: Department of Health, Education and Welfare

Office of the Surgeon General

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