Dec. 7, 1970
From: Director, U.S. Census Bureau
To: All District Managers
Attn: Urgent! Your Eyes Only!
A close study of all 1970 U.S. census figures examined so far reveals a striking discrepancy in one area of our sophisticated tabulations. The figures show, conclusively, that when the final official count is in, the number of bores in the United States will have declined by at least 42%, and possibly by as much as 48%. Even accepting the lower estimate, our count will show that the bore population of the U.S. has diminished by 14.5 million persons. Obviously, this is at great odds with the facts, and the publication of these figures will raise grave doubts about the validity of the entire census. Anyone who has had to deal recently with dental technicians, stockbrokers or working mothers, anyone who has seen Merv Griffin on TV or faced up to Tom 'n' Nancy Seaver, knows that the bore population in America is more visible than ever and increasing at an alarming rate. Where have our calculations gone wrong?
It is imperative that a complete reexamination of our tabulations in this area be made immediately. Accordingly, I am herewith ordering a complete re-study of all 1970 data pertaining to bores. Moreover, I would like each and every one of you to meet here in Washington next Monday morning at 0900 hours in the office of the deputy director. If a reexamination of our records does not indicate that a gross error has been made, I will expect immediately a complete analysis detailing the reasons why the bore population is declining in the United States.
Gentlemen, the honor of the 1970 census is at stake.
Dec. 10, 1970
From: Deputy Director, U.S. Census Bureau
Re: Bore Totals
I must inform you that, following a careful check of our figures as well as consultation with all district managers in my office this morning, we still conclude that the preliminary U.S. bore figures are substantially correct. As indicated by the early figures, the bore population has declined precipitously. Presently, we estimate that this group has decreased 47.2% during the last decade, or by 15,731,689 persons.
In accordance with your request, we have conducted a full survey of all regions to uncover the reasons for this unexpected development. Following are the conclusions that, it seems, help explain this surprising phenomenon:
1) While the number of measurable overt bores has declined, as reported, all evidence suggests that the number of latent bores is increasing apace. This would jibe with your own intuitive response to the figures.
2) Except for isolated instances, the bore population count matched our projected estimates in the regions of warm climate, while falling short in areas of less moderate temperatures. For instance, the number of bores in Harlingen, Texas came within 0.02% of our projected estimate: the total in Dothan, Ala. was only 0.04% off our projected estimate. By contrast, in some areas of Vermont and Idaho, the real bore population has declined by as much as 86%.
3) A computer analysis of selected sites from all sections of the country showed, in every instance, within less than 1%, chance of possible error, that an increase in the number of skiers in the area was directly related to a decrease in the number of bores. Specifically, our preliminary polling suggests that for every single new skier, 12.6 bores are removed from the rolls—or, at least, transfer from the overt to latent categories.
Conclusion: People who ski are so overwhelmingly boring that they are dominating the field, and making it impossible for other bores to exercise their God-given abilities.