HARD TIMES IN THE SLAMMER
After a five-year struggle against tired blood, calcium deposits and defeat, the McNeil Island (Wash.) Federal Penitentiary will field no baseball team this season. The problem, says Coach and Sports Director William Bowen, has been that "We lose. Some of the visiting teams wouldn't even bring a pitcher half the time. They'd just bring 10 guys, and they would all take turns pitching."
Despite the home-field advantage, Bowen's inmates won only one game—a 9-2 victory two years ago over the prison guards. Yet his team, whose average age is 40, didn't tire of losing so much as the opposition, average age 20, grew weary of winning.
"They would go up to the plate and just keep going and going," Bowen says. "We were weak in hitting, pitching, fielding and throwing, but we had a pretty good catcher."
Bowen says he's now looking for some older competition and he plans to organize prison softball teams this season. "There's no reason," he says, "why we can't compete well against players of our caliber. You know we have all the practice time in the world."
BACK TO YOU, CHRIS...
The following resolution (somewhat abridged) has been sent to committee in the Michigan House of Representatives.
"Whereas, Too often these outstanding marching band performances are obscured, ignored, interrupted and even utterly destroyed by the rampant and repugnant blather spewing from motor-mouthed, self-indulgent sportscasters who apparently feel that the only music worth listening to is that which is uttered from their own plebeian lips as they regurgitate an unending stream of statistical twaddle or recount the results of other games reported by their similarly unsavory peers; and
"Whereas, Such coprophilous driveling during what would otherwise be a truly entertaining and enjoyable half-time show is an affront to the sensibilities of the television audience...therefore be it
"Resolved...That the major television networks provide their sportscasters with a refreshment stipend to be used during football game half-time periods, and be it further